It is one (1) thing to fall in love with someone that you feel comfortable enough with that you can completely open up to and be wholly and totally honest about who you are and what you’re into and basically what your particular brand of crazy encompasses. That is one thing all by itself that is difficult to accomplish. Hard to make that happen.
It is a whole other second (2nd) thing to fall in love with someone who is able to accept this, to acknowledge this act and acknowledge those parts of you and accept you and still love and want to be with you. That is also very difficult to come across, and it used to be what I was looking for because I didn’t realize that there was or could be a third thing.
It is a third (3rd) thing altogether to open up to someone and be completely vulnerable about your level of crazy and have them be like holy shit yeah sign me up for some of that because this is 100% relevant to my interests and that is just my level of depravity I said goddamn goddamn. Like a mutual craziness. An embrace of the craziness. Having demons that don’t just get along but that like… do the tango together and stuff.
Now that I realize there is a third thing, that this thing exists in the universe, now that I have experienced it, I am unable and unwilling to settle for just the first two. And considering how rare just the first one is, I find this to be simultaneously inspiring and disheartening. I don’t ever have to settle for less, but I’m unlikely to ever find all three again.
And that is why I haven’t dated in 3 years. I finally, finally understand.
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