One of the things that I really cannot stand about having anxiety/ocd is the way that it is consistently alienating me from my friends all the time always forever. If I’m not being overly reliant on someone to help me assuage my completely obsessive and irrational fears, I’m terrified that my constant dependency on others to help me stave off the barrage of my obsessive and irrational fears will be a burden on them and that they’ll come to resent me or they already have and they just don’t want to tell me because it’ll hurt my feelings and then I feel like I can’t depend on my friends so I’m alienated and isolated and feeling awful about myself for potentially treating my friends poorly and also being hurt because of this (possibly imaginary?) perceived slight / rejection, even though I totally understand how completely unreasonable it is to put all of my irrational and obsessive fears on everyone that I know– but if I don’t, then I’m ALL ALONE WITH THEM and I don’t honestly think I can handle it because it’s like being trapped in a cage with a wild animal and maybe you can stave it off at first, but after a while you get tired and you can’t fight anymore so you just give up and let it tear your throat out.
… I took my last anxiety pill about 26hrs ago and I have an impossible school deadline this week bc it’s the last two weeks of the semester so I’m exhausted, unmedicated, falling apart, and convinced that my best friend wants me to just leave her the hell alone. I took extra sleep meds so that I could go to bed early but the downside to that is I’m too tired to fight all the crazy so I had a small meltdown. OKAY let’s go get some apple juice.
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