I should be sleeping right now but my soul feels heavy with the burdens I’m carrying in life and it’s been a long time since I felt like I could just spill everything onto a page and be purged of the chaos. Maybe I should write everything all down because even if no one reads it, I can look at all these words and finally understand why I’m having eyelid spasms and chest pains and why my shoulders always hurt.
I love my job but I don’t think I can physically do it anymore. I think the increased recovery time and the constantly being sick is my body’s way of telling me it can’t endure the abuse I put it through while dancing anymore. And as much as I love my job, I’m also getting really sick of putting up with it. I’m burnt out. I can’t bring myself to listen to some half-wit condescend to me because he thinks himself superior for having more clothes on, and I can’t deal with the stress of knowing my mother doesn’t respect me as a person. I’m having money problems because I work so little because I’m always so exhausted or sore or sick (which I’m very sick of being), and so the money I end up making… I have to wonder if when I add it all up it isn’t what a normal job would pay me anyways without destroying my body.
I’ve been operating under the thought that if I was to pursue a job in my field I have to go to grad school but it seems like (after considerable research and disappointment), I only have one graduate program option: an online msw course through fsu. But after the horrendous experience I had with online courses through tcc I’m terrified to even consider it– especially with how I can barely handle my life as it is. I was going to enroll in the first course and just see how it went but I think I missed the deadline trying to pay my rent late. But it’s also like $1600 for one course (2 per semester if I formally enroll), and if I financed it, I’d be putting myself in another 25k in debt and my mother acts like the money I’ve already borrowed is the end of the world, I don’t know what to do.
Jamie showed me some jobs with the state that I’m qualified for and didn’t even know about, so I applied for them but it’ll be weeks before I hear anything back (if I do at all) so I didn’t tell my family I’d applied at all. Plus there’s shit going on at home.
My younger sister kind of had this epiphany / breakthrough with her life a week ago and I was so proud of her, but i forgot that my older sister had moved back in with my parents and idn’t anticipate what a negative influence she would be, and basically it’s become clear that she’s a threat to my sister’s general wellbeing in life. I had a conversation with my father about it, and he seemed to understand the severity of the situation, but my mother is basically in full on denial and I don’t think she’s actually going to kick Tiffany out, even though she told her that she had to leave the house if she was going to keep behaving this way and so she said that she would leave (but I don’t believe her and I don’t think my mother will enforce it because I think she’s oblivious). So I’m really concerned for my younger sister because I know she’s at a really vulnerable time in her life.
Basically I’m sick all the time and I don’t know what the fuck to do with my life and my family situation is just a goddamn mess and I’m always stressed out and I don’t know what to dow ith myself. I’m starting to feel like I’m wasting my life, and I never had that feeling before but now it’s all I can think about and I don’t know how to make my life seem worthwhile without making some sort of decision either way and I don’t know which decision is the right one. I guess I should give it until february to see if I can’t get a call back on a state job, and if that’s not happening, I’ll still have until may to enroll in that program. In the meantime, if I can just get myself to work enough, maybe I can straighten my money situation out. I just hate waiting, I hate feeling like my life is constantly in a state of anticipation. It’s like I’m waiting for something real to begin and everything in the meantime is superficial. I’m holding my breath, and it feels like I’m suffocating.